reasonable doubt.

i went walking in the rain last night, thinking the cold water would wash away the misery of the past. my legs belonged to some stranger, i followed the phantom footfalls, blindly trusting. when i finally looked up, i was shocked to see the familiar red door of a home that had never belonged to me, but where so much of my failed future had taken root. i suppose it was bound to catch up with me eventually, the denial, the pain. i thought it was all behind me, that the frayed edges of this hole in my heart were starting to weave themselves back together...the moment i turned the corner away from that street where so many memories have found a home i finally unraveled. the air felt like water in my lungs and any strength i had been holding onto defiantly left me in a vapor.

i so wish that i could have fallen to the soft earth and forget the world as the downfall dragged me away like leaves to the gutter.

there is no reason to the madness telling me that i am running out of time, but every passing moment seems to leave the hands on the clock pointing towards inevitability. why is time weighing so heavily upon me, throwing into contrast all the broken dreams and subduing realities?

i truly believe last night, was the last time i cry over the path my life would have taken if things had not gone awry. obviously, that life was never mine to mourn as a loss - if it was meant to be, it would have happened.

i pray for patience and trust to hope some new found strength will come to me either through some providential grace or an eager and willing heart. either way, i know i could use some help.

love, hollyann