a list of things i love.

I love:
the stars
the windfarm
infinity
the idea of LA.

the idea of getting out.
my new apartment.
the bigger lights.
intrigue
scandals (not to be confused with drama.)

going to shows.
booking shows.
photography.
dreaming.
goal making.
meeting intriguing people.
100% good vibes.
brilliant conversations.
birds' songs.

the bird and the bee.
IO Echo "Doorway"
The Orphanage.
lookbook.nu
Chicago.
my best friends.
Memories.
"Ohio"
God. (who is number 1.)
my opal ring from Grandma Marshall.
my pink ring from Thomas.
Tea parties.

Writing.

I wrote a letter today. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of it. I'll let you know what happens after it gets sent.
I'm holding onto optimism
and really not looking forward to working tomorrow.

My head hurts. And my throat. I cannot be sick right now. I have too much to do, truly.

Love, Ana.

falling down.

I tripped and things are starting to get interesting.

I scraped my knee and my arm and my foot and my other arm and my other knee.
Now, my outside matches my insides.

(not on purpose.)


You are so full of pride. Why! You could lose so much pain and gain so much of what you've needed with one second of humility.

Don't you know? I can only stand to wait so long.
Don't you know? That's a lie. I haven't figured out how to move on.

I truly hope your happiness is not a front.
I wish you nothing but the best.

It's just I've never felt like this. Like I'm homeless, restless.



you will know what that means. you always knew.

I hide behind depth. I hide behind intellect and a pretty face with a shining smile..
I am just like you. Struggling.

Please let me see that.

Listening to: "I need you so much closer" by Death Cab for Cutie, "Miserable at Best" by Mayday Parade, "Konstantine" by Something Corporate, The Centralia Mine Fire (I can't help it, "Ohio" had been stuck in my head for months), and "Underwater" by Tegan and Sara.
I didn't mean for that list to be so depressing.

Ana.

catching my breath.

I am merely waiting to crash these days.
Is it bad to look forward to these things?

I feel like I'm floundering. Searching, hoping to land on something solid- soon.


the door is there. waiting to be opened.
I stand trying to imagine what could be on the other side.
(more afraid to jump than to fly.)

I will tell you this. Such restlessness is incredibly unnerving.
On that note:

Trips I'm planning to take this year:
1. Girl Trip. Ohio, Michigan, Indiana, Chicago, with my best friend Hollyann Sajko, in July.
2. Toronto, Ontario. Seeing people I haven't seen in far too long and meeting new friends. In August.
3. LA in December/January. To see Aly and some intriguing people.
4. Sweden in April. Zander Reunion. Tom and George Reunion in England. First trip to Europe.

I'm beginning to like this game. I'll pretend I don't care, you pretend you don't.
Just like always.


always.

Listening to: Tegan and Sara, my phone vibrate, Michael Jackson (wtf.), Camille's advice, the bird and the bee, "A Cannon" by Regina Spektor, The Final Hour, and Harp & Lyre.

Love, Ana.

intrusive.

I am a broken soul. Filled with holes and insight and hope.
I am entirely too good at pretending for my own good. I can fake bravery like you would not believe. It's really only second to my pseudo-strength.
I can make nothing out of something.
I can grip the slightest hope and turn it into something
and Lord, am I holding on.



Just give me something to hold on to. I'll take it.
I'm running loose and running on E.
Escaping this town and the country has never looked so good.

I miss Ohio. I miss contentment. I miss goals and passion and living on the edge.
I miss the cures you offered. I miss the way you healed me.

My heart is full of hurt. (love?)
My head is full of questions. Answers. Risks.

I keep playing the what ifs. What if I had went with him instead of you? Or we had worked it out? Or we had never even met?



The real questions are, where to now? and how? and when? and with whom?
Are you going with me? Or am I expected to go this alone. (nothing new. most big things have been all on me.)

For now, I read my books. I remember. I sing. I try. I get by.
I hurt. I think. I love.

I search. Your face. For the answers you can't give. You won't give.
Tell me you're hurting. Or that I mattered.
Tell me your fears. I'll turn them into something beautiful.



Maybe I should move on. Chalk it up to a good learning experience.
Perhaps something better is around the corner.

I'm not ready to turn the corner yet.

Grant me patience and understanding.


Listening to: "A Cannon" by Regina Spektor, "Come When I Call" by John Mayer, "Landlocked Blues" by Bright Eyes, "Dakota" by A Rocket To The Moon, "Clark Gable" by The Postal Service, and not what others tell me.

Waiting, Ana.

no heart

to write these days.

Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly happy, whole heartedly blessed.
But I can't write the words out.

I don't want to jinx anything or mess it up.

Or say too much. Or not enough.

I'm listening to: new wisdom, the bird and the bee, be your own pet, passion pit, the anytime, etc.

glowing embers.

life is full of unexpected turns of fate. it's moments like these, when i wish that we were literally attached at the hip. so that you were always right beside me, to lean on & to turn to. sharing our collective sorrow & joy.

last night ana & i had a campfire. simple. necessary. wonderful. as always, watching a fire always engenders conversation - the watchful glow of the flames reveals what lies in each of our hearts.


my copy of (m)orning by mae arrived in the mail today (the ep is now available in their online store, i suggest you buy it immediately - so completely worth it!) as if by perfect chance. in this album there is a constant metaphor of fire:

"i see the truth rising up in the flames / oh it burns away at the remains / and it's strong enough to overtake the rain / bright enough to see the light of day." - the house that fire built

fuel for though...maybe it's overly poetic, but i would like to think my friendship with ana holds a power along the lines of those lyrics. until last night, i never realized that we shed light on each other, reavealing so much of what the other person is hoping to express even when words fail. people who observe me when i am with her seem to understand me better than those who meet me on their own terms. i truly believe it is because she brings out the best in me for others to see. ana always claims that i give her too much, but she has done me a whole world of good.

i've been somewhat adopted into her life and i could be more grateful.

also, we have officially began planning the best of birthdays to grace the bloomington area. be ready.

right now i am listening to: mae, never shout never, the hush sound, and pedro the lion.

love, holly

A turn of events.

Promising.


A Chronical:
On Saturday, I hung out with Cole Blotcky, Andy Cox, Camille Dobbins, etc.
Was a good night.

Talked to Heath Davis for quite some time.

Went to bed at 2 45 am.
Woke up at 5 02 AM.
Went downstairs to get a glass of water.
And, I blacked out. Fainted. Swooned, even.

Ended up smashing my face on the concrete tile floor of our new kitchen.

Should've had a broken nose, chipped teeth, broken cheekbones. But the good Lord granted me just a ripped open chin.

No stitches. Just taped across. I'll be fine.

I'm so sore and tired.

But I never would've had a night like last night with out the fainting extravaganza.


It set me up for a whole different kind of falling.
I'm becoming fearless again. Sure. I'm becoming solid and whole.

My best friend Holly is the most amazing girl I know. You guys see how eloquent and thoughtful she is. I am completely blessed by the people surrounding me.



Regardless. My views are changing. I'm moving into something I really like.
Metamorphosis. Thank you.


I've been reading some Andy Warhol and of course Truman. (one true love.)

I've got my eyes on smiling.

Listen to: "Landlocked Blues" by Bright Eyes, "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" by Brand New, "By Your Side" by CocoRosie.

Love, Ana.