catching my breath.

I am merely waiting to crash these days.
Is it bad to look forward to these things?

I feel like I'm floundering. Searching, hoping to land on something solid- soon.


the door is there. waiting to be opened.
I stand trying to imagine what could be on the other side.
(more afraid to jump than to fly.)

I will tell you this. Such restlessness is incredibly unnerving.
On that note:

Trips I'm planning to take this year:
1. Girl Trip. Ohio, Michigan, Indiana, Chicago, with my best friend Hollyann Sajko, in July.
2. Toronto, Ontario. Seeing people I haven't seen in far too long and meeting new friends. In August.
3. LA in December/January. To see Aly and some intriguing people.
4. Sweden in April. Zander Reunion. Tom and George Reunion in England. First trip to Europe.

I'm beginning to like this game. I'll pretend I don't care, you pretend you don't.
Just like always.


always.

Listening to: Tegan and Sara, my phone vibrate, Michael Jackson (wtf.), Camille's advice, the bird and the bee, "A Cannon" by Regina Spektor, The Final Hour, and Harp & Lyre.

Love, Ana.

intrusive.

I am a broken soul. Filled with holes and insight and hope.
I am entirely too good at pretending for my own good. I can fake bravery like you would not believe. It's really only second to my pseudo-strength.
I can make nothing out of something.
I can grip the slightest hope and turn it into something
and Lord, am I holding on.



Just give me something to hold on to. I'll take it.
I'm running loose and running on E.
Escaping this town and the country has never looked so good.

I miss Ohio. I miss contentment. I miss goals and passion and living on the edge.
I miss the cures you offered. I miss the way you healed me.

My heart is full of hurt. (love?)
My head is full of questions. Answers. Risks.

I keep playing the what ifs. What if I had went with him instead of you? Or we had worked it out? Or we had never even met?



The real questions are, where to now? and how? and when? and with whom?
Are you going with me? Or am I expected to go this alone. (nothing new. most big things have been all on me.)

For now, I read my books. I remember. I sing. I try. I get by.
I hurt. I think. I love.

I search. Your face. For the answers you can't give. You won't give.
Tell me you're hurting. Or that I mattered.
Tell me your fears. I'll turn them into something beautiful.



Maybe I should move on. Chalk it up to a good learning experience.
Perhaps something better is around the corner.

I'm not ready to turn the corner yet.

Grant me patience and understanding.


Listening to: "A Cannon" by Regina Spektor, "Come When I Call" by John Mayer, "Landlocked Blues" by Bright Eyes, "Dakota" by A Rocket To The Moon, "Clark Gable" by The Postal Service, and not what others tell me.

Waiting, Ana.

no heart

to write these days.

Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly happy, whole heartedly blessed.
But I can't write the words out.

I don't want to jinx anything or mess it up.

Or say too much. Or not enough.

I'm listening to: new wisdom, the bird and the bee, be your own pet, passion pit, the anytime, etc.

glowing embers.

life is full of unexpected turns of fate. it's moments like these, when i wish that we were literally attached at the hip. so that you were always right beside me, to lean on & to turn to. sharing our collective sorrow & joy.

last night ana & i had a campfire. simple. necessary. wonderful. as always, watching a fire always engenders conversation - the watchful glow of the flames reveals what lies in each of our hearts.


my copy of (m)orning by mae arrived in the mail today (the ep is now available in their online store, i suggest you buy it immediately - so completely worth it!) as if by perfect chance. in this album there is a constant metaphor of fire:

"i see the truth rising up in the flames / oh it burns away at the remains / and it's strong enough to overtake the rain / bright enough to see the light of day." - the house that fire built

fuel for though...maybe it's overly poetic, but i would like to think my friendship with ana holds a power along the lines of those lyrics. until last night, i never realized that we shed light on each other, reavealing so much of what the other person is hoping to express even when words fail. people who observe me when i am with her seem to understand me better than those who meet me on their own terms. i truly believe it is because she brings out the best in me for others to see. ana always claims that i give her too much, but she has done me a whole world of good.

i've been somewhat adopted into her life and i could be more grateful.

also, we have officially began planning the best of birthdays to grace the bloomington area. be ready.

right now i am listening to: mae, never shout never, the hush sound, and pedro the lion.

love, holly

A turn of events.

Promising.


A Chronical:
On Saturday, I hung out with Cole Blotcky, Andy Cox, Camille Dobbins, etc.
Was a good night.

Talked to Heath Davis for quite some time.

Went to bed at 2 45 am.
Woke up at 5 02 AM.
Went downstairs to get a glass of water.
And, I blacked out. Fainted. Swooned, even.

Ended up smashing my face on the concrete tile floor of our new kitchen.

Should've had a broken nose, chipped teeth, broken cheekbones. But the good Lord granted me just a ripped open chin.

No stitches. Just taped across. I'll be fine.

I'm so sore and tired.

But I never would've had a night like last night with out the fainting extravaganza.


It set me up for a whole different kind of falling.
I'm becoming fearless again. Sure. I'm becoming solid and whole.

My best friend Holly is the most amazing girl I know. You guys see how eloquent and thoughtful she is. I am completely blessed by the people surrounding me.



Regardless. My views are changing. I'm moving into something I really like.
Metamorphosis. Thank you.


I've been reading some Andy Warhol and of course Truman. (one true love.)

I've got my eyes on smiling.

Listen to: "Landlocked Blues" by Bright Eyes, "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" by Brand New, "By Your Side" by CocoRosie.

Love, Ana.

reasonable doubt.

i went walking in the rain last night, thinking the cold water would wash away the misery of the past. my legs belonged to some stranger, i followed the phantom footfalls, blindly trusting. when i finally looked up, i was shocked to see the familiar red door of a home that had never belonged to me, but where so much of my failed future had taken root. i suppose it was bound to catch up with me eventually, the denial, the pain. i thought it was all behind me, that the frayed edges of this hole in my heart were starting to weave themselves back together...the moment i turned the corner away from that street where so many memories have found a home i finally unraveled. the air felt like water in my lungs and any strength i had been holding onto defiantly left me in a vapor.

i so wish that i could have fallen to the soft earth and forget the world as the downfall dragged me away like leaves to the gutter.

there is no reason to the madness telling me that i am running out of time, but every passing moment seems to leave the hands on the clock pointing towards inevitability. why is time weighing so heavily upon me, throwing into contrast all the broken dreams and subduing realities?

i truly believe last night, was the last time i cry over the path my life would have taken if things had not gone awry. obviously, that life was never mine to mourn as a loss - if it was meant to be, it would have happened.

i pray for patience and trust to hope some new found strength will come to me either through some providential grace or an eager and willing heart. either way, i know i could use some help.

love, hollyann

how to hope.

Because there is always a light to even the darkest of situations and crises; one must keep in their hearts the desire to hope.

I have found that most hope is entirely unfounded. And, daring to hope is taking a giant chance.

The proverbial jumping off is not what's scary.
Although, it's often what stops me.

I love to dream, to ponder the "what ifs", the maybes. And those chances make it worth the aching that could come as a result.


Thinking back on you and I, I am forced to recollect the mistakes we've both made. I should have been stronger in myself- I learned to listen to my heart from this.

My hope lives thrives off the fact that my heart still leaps.



Hope is possible in all things. Not ideal, but always plausible.

My heart is honestly filled with hope and optimism.

Goals=attractive.


It's enough to make me scream.

on killing two birds with one stone.

"When they asked me what I wanted to be I said I didn’t know.
"Oh, sure you know," the photographer said.
"She wants," said Jay Cee wittily, "to be everything."
-Sylvia Plath.



I am wrought with indecision and frustration. I work myself into these frenzied periods of self doubt and incomparable determination. I feel the need to prove myself, to make myself deserving of your time.
Of course, I am over analyzing. That much I'm sure of.

Why can't I be casual? I read far too much into too many things.

I slip and stumble blindly towards what could be a lost cause. I wouldn't be able to look at myself if I didn't take the chance though.



I'm concentrating on discerning what I can believe and what I should move away from. I need to make wise decisions. It is crunch time, after all.

And why I knew we connected, I don't know what it means. And after all this time, I'm beginning to doubt that my trust has ever been well placed.

(I have you to thank for that.)


Oh, to go back before our conversation was forced and awkward.

I have such an easy way about me. I'm trying not to force anything these days. I can tell I've changed- something just feels different. I'm not sure what it is.

If you've known me for any sort of time, and can help me figure this out, please, by all means. Chime in.


Love IS blind. Blind to faults and hurt and what's right.
I love being blinded by love. The light that comes from the loss of that love is consuming.

I do deserve better.


I'm listening to: The Bird and The Bee ( F*cking Girlfriend), John Mayer (City Love, Come When I Call), The Cab ( I'll Run), Be Your Own Pet (Love Yr Shotgun), Tyler James (Stay Humble-www.tylerjames.com), reason & doubt.

Love, Ana.

caged wisdom.

these words i have written are for my dearest friend and all who need encouragement.


"i know it is easy to despair, my little bird, in our prison.
you and i are weary hearts, alike; yearning the freedom to fly.
too eagerly we battle the twisted metal, not seeing the danger outside.

the glimmer of hope becomes you as escape becomes reality.
rushing into the unfamiliar openness you test your new found grace,
only to find your wings not ready to carry the weight of your dreams.

should the air again grow thick with sorrow and gravity pull you to harm,
i will wrap you in my love, remove the burden of your broken wings,
allowing you to rest on mine as we soar on the winds of tomorrow."


songbirds are incurably philharmonic, let's carry their encouraging melodies in our hearts. ♥

i am going to train for a marathon starting tomorrow, or the day after. wish me luck.

tonight i am finishing a book and tomorrow i will start reading j.d. salinger for the thousandth time. you should too.

i am listening to: bon iver, the hush sound, and carter hulsey.

love, hollyann

fearless.

I am. I face new obstacles basically daily, with my head held high and my eyes straight ahead.

I look fear in the eye, and I can't take no for an answer. I refuse to be held to any sort of standard or stereotype.

I wish I was the type who lived with no regrets, but the truth is, I have a lot, and I'm facing one of the biggest ones tomorrow.

I hate when people try to be deep and misleading. I feel like I do that sometimes.

Home is becoming less a place and more a feeling.
A true comfort I haven't experienced with many.





I am truly a thinker. Less of a do-er. It takes a lot for me to make the first move and even more for me to trust my feelings.

I never want to be someone who is led by emotions only; I want conscious thought and reasoning, too.

I'm feeling so weak, downtrodden. I want to be strong again. I'm working on building myself back up and getting back to how I was. I want to be filled with love and fill others with the same love.


I'm not looking for a relationship, I can't do anything serious right now. My hands are tied, and I want so badly to do things right.
I want to get to know you.


I guess I needed to clear my head before I could sleep. I needed to have a clear thought process.

To have fallen from such optimism is so overwhelming.



Love, Ana.

keeping promises.

i've been putting this off for far too long, but an introduction is due.


i'm a nineteen-year-old so-called reject and self-proclaimed individualist born and raised in the midwest. you don't know it yet, but i am the most loyal friend you can ask for. i will love you whole-heartedly and accept you without question, because that is just who i am. ask ana, she'll tell you.

one day i hope to start my own record label. for now, i am a promoter and musician. i'm always looking for inspiration, so send your musical suggestions my way. if all else fails, plan b is to run some hopeless record store like "high fidelity" or simply bake cakes to pay the bills (it could happen).

i live like a character in one of the bohemian books i love so much. i'm a starving artist, tea enthusiast, and aspiring world traveler. i am almost always broke, buying vintage clothes i can't afford and books & albums to satiate my thirst for more.

i just bought the book "sleeveface" by carl morris & john rostron. i'm pretty thrilled.


go read ogden nash's "the zoo," trust me.

i'm entirely restless, but anticipating what the future holds - for who and what awaits me.

i am slowly learning i am a much stronger person than i could have ever imagined & am thankful for all the love that surrounds me.

right now i'm listening to: conor oberst and the mystic valley band, sufjan stevens, company of thieves, jack's mannequin, and cold war kids.

ps - i don't believe in capitalizing letters, pretty much ever.


love, hollyann

symbolism.

For those of you who know me, this will register with you.

Windmill 007 has been off for a week.
So ironic. So iconic.
That windmill had been through a lot with me.

(Casey Lovell, you're so talented.)

She's seen my biggest decisions, my worst fears, true love, and new relationships.

I've felt infinite.
I've felt small.
I've felt like I could change the world, and the world could change me for the better.


For the first time in ages, I've felt like I am enough.
I am content with the person I'm becoming. And forgiving for the person I was.

I am all over the map. I like it that way.

My friends are honestly the most outstanding examples of compassion and love that I can give.

You've all done your part in helping me through so much.

You've seen me at my worst, and slowly, my best.

I am playing hard to get.


I'm listening to Anna Nalick, Shania Twain, Be Your Own Pet, Envy On The Coast, and A Kidnap in Color

Intense.

Made a new goal today with Camille Dobbins- we're going to wake up early daily and bike ride.

While on our ride this evening, we went to Goodwill. We had just left our bikes out back, not really thinking too much of it. I mean, the people working there saw us get off our bikes and leave them there.
Camille found some dresses and shirts and an outstanding pair of white shorts; we were in there for like, 30 or so minutes.
We walked out just in time to see these people purchasing OUR bikes.

We were so flustered. We had to go back in there and explain to these tiny kids that those were our bikes and we had rode them there, so we'd be needing them back.

We definitely got stared down for like, 10 minutes, while these Goodwill workers refunded their money and gave us back our bikes.
I felt so sad. I wanted to just give my bike to them. I should have. But it's a far walk home and we were already late for dinner.



The rest of the day was mostly uneventful. Watched "The Man in the Moon" with my mom and Camille.


Today gave me reason to think. Last night's conversations are very worrisome.
My mind is playing tricks and I'm over-analyzing.
It's so much more intriguing to think of the things that COULD be instead of the things that probably are.

That being said, "Mindy's Secret Song" by playradioplay has been on repeat most of today.

I wrote a secret song about a secret someone.

I'm listening to playradioplay, say anything, be your own pet, "Mariana" by Carter Hulsey, Kate Nash, and things that make my heart skip beats.

love, Ana.

Weekend Warrior.

What a troubling past few days.
Full of ups and downs and misconceptions.

Last night was a really great time.
Saw miss Christina Jackson and Aly Luthi.
As well as some others I haven't seen in far too long.

The biggest surprise of the night was a certain someone from Chicago showing up unexpectedly. It made my day to see Davey Carlson.


Spent the night at Kara Rhoad's home, with Select Start and Thrash Unreal.
I don't think I've laughed that hard in ages. Thank you, language barriers and new school water dispensers.




Kar and I made cookies- chocolate chips and oatmeal too.
I didn't go to bed till 4 30, and I'm paying for it today.

I'm loving the games that I'm playing with myself right now. The thoughts and dreams are getting mixed up with reality and it's consuming.

It's storming here. The weather is perfect.


I really wish that I had answers to everything. I really wish I could tell you exactly how I felt.

Been listening to "We Get On" by Kate Nash a ton. I'm not ashamed. I love how she writes.

Today, I woke up and hung out at Kara's for a tiny while. Then, Davey and I headed into Bloomington. Took him to my favorite places, The Coffeehouse and The Garlic Press and Medici's.
(He makes me so flustered, even though we're friends. People like him are hard to come by.)

Listening to Shania Twain, Kate Nash, Charlotte Sometimes, Thrash Unreal, and soft thunder.

love, Ana.

Official.

I have no idea where my life is taking me right now.
I went the beach today, with Camille. It was a good time.

Wednesday night was the greatest night in a long time. I finally feel like I know what's going on. Even though it hurts to know where things stand, at least it's clear to me now.

I saw Houston Calls. I've been listening to them since, I don't know, the 8th grade. They were such great guys, so nice and appreciative.



Also, Cole Blotcky- You make me laugh.

Hanging out with the people that know me best is really for the best right now. I saw all of my best friends this week, for the most part. And I'm feeling so good.

The sun truly helps me. Winter makes me feel terrible, destitute.
I just can't help feeling optimistic during the summer months.

I got my hair cut!
It's shorter. But I love it. Thanks, Amelia Hamilton.



Oh, I'm not sure about this "show" situation tomorrow. I feel like it'd be putting myself in such an awkward situation. I really want to see the people that will be there ( most of them. ) But not sure if it's completely worth it.

I'm so glad to have rekindled so many friendships. I'm so glad I didn't lose you forever. I truly hated the idea of that. And I'm loving the idea of you.

The city's still calling out so strongly. Why? Is it the people or the lights that draw me in? Perhaps the idea of truly escaping this town for a few days.

My heart feels strong.

I'm listening to- Houston Calls, some 70s Fusion (thanks, Jared Park), Kate Nash, Keith Urban, MSNBC, my mom, A Kidnap In Color, Motion City Soundtrack, Asteria, and old jazz.

Sincerely, Ana.

at the end of the day

It's really about whether or not you can face looking yourself in the eye.
You have to stand by the decisions you make, and take responsibility for the consequences of those actions.

I planted a garden with my mom the other day. I love gardening, so much.
We planted purple daisies and some greens and ivy.



I love watching things grow, and people.

Permanence is horrifying right now. The idea of this situation being something unresolvable scares the hell out of me. Regardless of what happens, it will be for the best.

I need a JOB.
I have an interview at Sam's Club. Are you kidding me??

This week is so busy...
Show tomorrow night, I believe.... Houston Calls @ Bloomington.
Job interview Thursday/Andy Breeze- seeing UP!

Haircut with Amelia/ice cream with Ryan on Friday
Show Saturday in Metamora.

I am getting up early to ride my bike tomorrow. I think that will be good for me. Allow me to clear my head and expand my lungs.

Another thing to smile about... Mikeman.
He can talk to shoes. It's pretty sweet.


I've been listening to Harp & Lyre, The Centralia Mine Fire, Kanye West, Mayday Parade, Playradioplay, and my own personal heart and conscience.
The mix of these is impeccable.


"Clocks are shackles on the feet of mankind" O. Henry.


Love, Ana.

important people.

They're always whispering
And all of us are yelling too loudly to hear.

Shh.


I have the best sister in the world. We had great times in downtown Normal today, at the Coffeehouse and The Garlic Press and Babbitt's Books.
Then later at Buffalo Wild Wings.

Even though I totally engorged myself on cheesecake and feel like death now.
Too much of a good thing is never okay.


We had a long talk about relationships and God and growing up.
I'm remembering who I am very clearly now. I had moved so far away from the girl I used to be... I missed her.



I am quickly coming to love the responsibility I'm facing, although greatly looking forward to the day I can look back on these times and laugh.
This all seems so very new and raw.

I'm feeling completely vulnerable, lately.

On a high note, I got invited to join Lookbook. YES. Thanks, Aaron.


I have word vomit terminally. I constantly say everything I'm thinking. Or what I think I should say. It's like, no filter, but worse.

"So if you want to be with me, with these things, there's no telling. We just have to wait and see. But I'd rather be working for a paycheck than waiting to win the lottery. Besides, maybe this time it's different. I mean, I really think you like me."
"The First Day of my Life" by Bright Eyes.

Also www.altf.com

Love it. When/If I get married, I'd love for him to do my pictures.


Today, all I've listened to is My Favorite Highway, Brighten, PlayRadioPlay, Say Anything, and some You Me And Everyone We Know.

Love, Ana.