all i can say

I'm getting judged in the morning.

A Fine Frenzy.

Oh, don't you worry. I haven't forgotten you. I'm still hiding behind depth. Behind stark reality.

I've got a day and a reason and absence makes the heart grow fonder and all of that.

I've been thinking too much and too clearly. And I'm not even mad. And that's a rare, beautiful thing.

You've got a plan. I've got my dreams.

We'll make it.

It's really time to quit messing around. Time to get serious.

School next semester.

Florida in 1.5 years. Please say you'll make that move with me.

I'm over run with silly things.

It's your life.

My baby sister turns 18 tomorrow. How does THAT even happen? Pretty sure yesterday we were playing house in a fort that our mom built us.

Actually, that probably was yesterday.

Tell me that this is not the way.

I'll believe you.

God has too big of a plan for me to be worried anymore.

Love, Ana.

do you get the picture? I am of the dangerous kind.

That party last night was awfully crazy, I wish we'd have taped it.

If I could just replay in a loop everything you said last night, maybe it'd break down the bricks.

Or at least clear the fog for a glimpse at a clear sky.

I found a couple new ways to look at things. I'm glad for that.

I've procured a pair of purple and white Toms, from my best friend Danah.

Don't hold onto this for too long- someone might find it.

Maybe someday, I'll look back and this will be a dream. Or at least better than it seems presently. I just have to believe in that.

My tax refund is over 700$. Thank you Lord.

This is me spelling it out for you.

Whether or not I wanted to, it had to happen.

Boldness was on my side last night.

I'm getting the hang of this. I'll fall quickly this time, I'll take my chances this time. I'll let it happen this time.

I'm covering this up.

Now I see who you are.

I'm hoping for a clear sign.

I can't wait for April 18th.

Love, Ana.

I fell behind.

I'm truly sorry for the delay.

Eight months later and a lot has changed.

I've been through two apartments.

Got a car.

Been through three jobs.

I keep coming up with the craziest schemes. I keep disregarding the past. I keep growing up and moving on and leaving things behind. I can't say I'm upset.

I'm volatile.

I went to a protest. And took black and white photographs of old people against the government controlling their health care.

I took photographs of children, there against their will.

I am wondering currently. Where could Heaven be? Certainly not on Earth. Not with the current tumult we're all feeling.

And where is Hell? Certainly closer than we're all thinking.

Both are equal distances, I think. They're balancing each other out; it could be a lot worse, you know.

I think I'm going to Seattle next month.

For a short repose.

To clear my head. The beginning of April will hold a lot of good things.

It's like, a year later. The storm's clearing. And even if things aren't as good as I believe they could be, I'm learning. I'm a grown girl now.

I promise to keep writing.

I've been listening to: Tiesto, Cold War Kids, Good Old War, Be Your Own Pet, NeverShoutNever, Carter Hulsey, Kim Gnagey, etc.

love, Arianna.

a list of things i love.

I love:
the stars
the windfarm
infinity
the idea of LA.

the idea of getting out.
my new apartment.
the bigger lights.
intrigue
scandals (not to be confused with drama.)

going to shows.
booking shows.
photography.
dreaming.
goal making.
meeting intriguing people.
100% good vibes.
brilliant conversations.
birds' songs.

the bird and the bee.
IO Echo "Doorway"
The Orphanage.
lookbook.nu
Chicago.
my best friends.
Memories.
"Ohio"
God. (who is number 1.)
my opal ring from Grandma Marshall.
my pink ring from Thomas.
Tea parties.

Writing.

I wrote a letter today. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of it. I'll let you know what happens after it gets sent.
I'm holding onto optimism
and really not looking forward to working tomorrow.

My head hurts. And my throat. I cannot be sick right now. I have too much to do, truly.

Love, Ana.

falling down.

I tripped and things are starting to get interesting.

I scraped my knee and my arm and my foot and my other arm and my other knee.
Now, my outside matches my insides.

(not on purpose.)


You are so full of pride. Why! You could lose so much pain and gain so much of what you've needed with one second of humility.

Don't you know? I can only stand to wait so long.
Don't you know? That's a lie. I haven't figured out how to move on.

I truly hope your happiness is not a front.
I wish you nothing but the best.

It's just I've never felt like this. Like I'm homeless, restless.



you will know what that means. you always knew.

I hide behind depth. I hide behind intellect and a pretty face with a shining smile..
I am just like you. Struggling.

Please let me see that.

Listening to: "I need you so much closer" by Death Cab for Cutie, "Miserable at Best" by Mayday Parade, "Konstantine" by Something Corporate, The Centralia Mine Fire (I can't help it, "Ohio" had been stuck in my head for months), and "Underwater" by Tegan and Sara.
I didn't mean for that list to be so depressing.

Ana.

catching my breath.

I am merely waiting to crash these days.
Is it bad to look forward to these things?

I feel like I'm floundering. Searching, hoping to land on something solid- soon.


the door is there. waiting to be opened.
I stand trying to imagine what could be on the other side.
(more afraid to jump than to fly.)

I will tell you this. Such restlessness is incredibly unnerving.
On that note:

Trips I'm planning to take this year:
1. Girl Trip. Ohio, Michigan, Indiana, Chicago, with my best friend Hollyann Sajko, in July.
2. Toronto, Ontario. Seeing people I haven't seen in far too long and meeting new friends. In August.
3. LA in December/January. To see Aly and some intriguing people.
4. Sweden in April. Zander Reunion. Tom and George Reunion in England. First trip to Europe.

I'm beginning to like this game. I'll pretend I don't care, you pretend you don't.
Just like always.


always.

Listening to: Tegan and Sara, my phone vibrate, Michael Jackson (wtf.), Camille's advice, the bird and the bee, "A Cannon" by Regina Spektor, The Final Hour, and Harp & Lyre.

Love, Ana.

intrusive.

I am a broken soul. Filled with holes and insight and hope.
I am entirely too good at pretending for my own good. I can fake bravery like you would not believe. It's really only second to my pseudo-strength.
I can make nothing out of something.
I can grip the slightest hope and turn it into something
and Lord, am I holding on.



Just give me something to hold on to. I'll take it.
I'm running loose and running on E.
Escaping this town and the country has never looked so good.

I miss Ohio. I miss contentment. I miss goals and passion and living on the edge.
I miss the cures you offered. I miss the way you healed me.

My heart is full of hurt. (love?)
My head is full of questions. Answers. Risks.

I keep playing the what ifs. What if I had went with him instead of you? Or we had worked it out? Or we had never even met?



The real questions are, where to now? and how? and when? and with whom?
Are you going with me? Or am I expected to go this alone. (nothing new. most big things have been all on me.)

For now, I read my books. I remember. I sing. I try. I get by.
I hurt. I think. I love.

I search. Your face. For the answers you can't give. You won't give.
Tell me you're hurting. Or that I mattered.
Tell me your fears. I'll turn them into something beautiful.



Maybe I should move on. Chalk it up to a good learning experience.
Perhaps something better is around the corner.

I'm not ready to turn the corner yet.

Grant me patience and understanding.


Listening to: "A Cannon" by Regina Spektor, "Come When I Call" by John Mayer, "Landlocked Blues" by Bright Eyes, "Dakota" by A Rocket To The Moon, "Clark Gable" by The Postal Service, and not what others tell me.

Waiting, Ana.