surprise

I'm going to visit him.

nonstop listening to "testing the strong ones" by copeland.


Love. Love. Love.
Ana

it was your heart on the line

I don't have a job anymore. Not a tragedy. A blessing. Corporate America was not built for this girl.



I'm hoping I'll be able to make money off writing. Or singing. Something artistic.
When I'm feeling bad, I shower in Magnifique by Lancome. My mom wears it. And home is whenever I'm with her. I feel better.



The flower shop was home. It was everything. She was made to be surrounded by huge flowers in bright colors. Washburn's in Uptown Normal always cheers me up on a sad day- it smells like our shop.

"I met a girl, she kept tattoos for homes that she had lost. If I were her, I'd paint my body till all my skin was gone."

I want to be whole. Sometimes I feel like I'm on my way. Fashion and music and writing and my friends can make me be okay. (not real. nothing real, nothing solid- I live in ideals)

Been re-discovering ee cummings. Been re-discovering Miss Sylvia Plath (marriage doesn't suit me either, dear.)


I met a boy- a man, really. He really gets to me. It's still new and exciting, still in the beginning stages, but I really am holding onto hope.

I went to a funeral for a friend on Saturday. I was so glad for everyone there. I wished that one of us had showed how much we loved him before Wednesday.
It made me need to love everyone more, deeper, more fully, harder.

(You'd be surprised at the things I write and delete)


In darkness, hope. I hope.

Color me obsessed with Rachel Zoe, Bon Iver, The bird & the bee, Mumford & Sons, Death Cab for Cutie, Zooey Deschanel, Jemina Pearl.

Love. Love. Love. on everyone around you.
xx Ana

an explanation.

I'm not sure I can even begin to defend anything. I'm not sure I should.

Stories are twisted. A tangled web we weave. (please let things go back to normal)

If they don't- I'm out.


The one time a girl needs her best friend, she's fallen into the easy life- the believe everyone else life. I'm sorry, Em. You deserve better.

"Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone. Don't you think I was too young to be messed with? The girl in the dress cried the whole way home"

That text blew me away- I never liked you. YOu were never enough. You were never the one.

(as if I needed to see it in writing to make my gut feeling real- as if it wasn't enough to know in my heart I couldn't go back to when i WAS enough.)



I mean, things are on their way up, right?
The worst blizzard of all time has hit central Illinois. No work today. No work tomorrow.

Concentrating on real things.
Reading.

(My heart is missing. There's a hole. Empty.)


Ana.

on building a better me for all the wrong reasons.

You came in with the quickness.
Your mission was confusing & conflicting.
Constructing & deconstructing simultaneously isn't as hard as it seems.
(where one thingends another must begin?)



shooting stars, windfarms, etc.
3 stoplights seem eternal.

My spine hurts. At least I have one these days.



Can't sleep, can't breathe correctly. Up in 7 or so hours for my real job.

Can I make money writing? Can I build myself up this way? Can I mend things?

Who can? He heals me.



I can't say anything I haven't said already. Words have been used too much.

Love, Ana.

be kind, please let me rewind.

How perfect that the last post took place just before one of the most monumental weekends of my life.

I got a second tattoo on April 9, 2010.
Someone special was in town that weekend. He met my family and made me believe in things like true love again.



Since then, I've learned otherwise.
I've got a hold on new things nowadays. My lease is up in 2 months. Where should I be next?Who's calling me where?



Oh. I only like far things now. I only like things I can't get attached to. I'm working on it. What am I supposed to be working on?
Work. Work. Work.
I have no voice. My job is talk at people.

I've got a favorite things. I've got a lot of them. I was a homewrecker. It didn't matter in the long run. (the goodthings never will)

How can I read other words? Nothing can make sense like that.

A little much tonight.


Listening to: (only) Bad City. Regina Spektor. Taylor Swift. Lil Wayne. (deafening silence.)

All we need is to be patient and be kind. (Thanks, Camille)


Ana.

all i can say

I'm getting judged in the morning.

A Fine Frenzy.

Oh, don't you worry. I haven't forgotten you. I'm still hiding behind depth. Behind stark reality.

I've got a day and a reason and absence makes the heart grow fonder and all of that.

I've been thinking too much and too clearly. And I'm not even mad. And that's a rare, beautiful thing.

You've got a plan. I've got my dreams.

We'll make it.

It's really time to quit messing around. Time to get serious.

School next semester.

Florida in 1.5 years. Please say you'll make that move with me.

I'm over run with silly things.

It's your life.

My baby sister turns 18 tomorrow. How does THAT even happen? Pretty sure yesterday we were playing house in a fort that our mom built us.

Actually, that probably was yesterday.

Tell me that this is not the way.

I'll believe you.

God has too big of a plan for me to be worried anymore.

Love, Ana.

do you get the picture? I am of the dangerous kind.

That party last night was awfully crazy, I wish we'd have taped it.

If I could just replay in a loop everything you said last night, maybe it'd break down the bricks.

Or at least clear the fog for a glimpse at a clear sky.

I found a couple new ways to look at things. I'm glad for that.

I've procured a pair of purple and white Toms, from my best friend Danah.

Don't hold onto this for too long- someone might find it.

Maybe someday, I'll look back and this will be a dream. Or at least better than it seems presently. I just have to believe in that.

My tax refund is over 700$. Thank you Lord.

This is me spelling it out for you.

Whether or not I wanted to, it had to happen.

Boldness was on my side last night.

I'm getting the hang of this. I'll fall quickly this time, I'll take my chances this time. I'll let it happen this time.

I'm covering this up.

Now I see who you are.

I'm hoping for a clear sign.

I can't wait for April 18th.

Love, Ana.