I must be lean & write & make worlds beside this to live in.

surprise

2011-06-13T16:12:00.001-05:00

I'm going to visit him.

nonstop listening to "testing the strong ones" by copeland.

Love. Love. Love.
Ana

it was your heart on the line

2011-04-26T00:18:00.002-05:00

I don't have a job anymore. Not a tragedy. A blessing. Corporate America was not built for this girl.

I'm hoping I'll be able to make money off writing. Or singing. Something artistic.
When I'm feeling bad, I shower in Magnifique by Lancome. My mom wears it. And home is whenever I'm with her. I feel better.

The flower shop was home. It was everything. She was made to be surrounded by huge flowers in bright colors. Washburn's in Uptown Normal always cheers me up on a sad day- it smells like our shop.

"I met a girl, she kept tattoos for homes that she had lost. If I were her, I'd paint my body till all my skin was gone."

I want to be whole. Sometimes I feel like I'm on my way. Fashion and music and writing and my friends can make me be okay. (not real. nothing real, nothing solid- I live in ideals)

Been re-discovering ee cummings. Been re-discovering Miss Sylvia Plath (marriage doesn't suit me either, dear.)

I met a boy- a man, really. He really gets to me. It's still new and exciting, still in the beginning stages, but I really am holding onto hope.

I went to a funeral for a friend on Saturday. I was so glad for everyone there. I wished that one of us had showed how much we loved him before Wednesday.
It made me need to love everyone more, deeper, more fully, harder.

(You'd be surprised at the things I write and delete)

In darkness, hope. I hope.

Color me obsessed with Rachel Zoe, Bon Iver, The bird & the bee, Mumford & Sons, Death Cab for Cutie, Zooey Deschanel, Jemina Pearl.

Love. Love. Love. on everyone around you.
xx Ana

an explanation.

2011-02-01T19:56:00.002-06:00

I'm not sure I can even begin to defend anything. I'm not sure I should.

Stories are twisted. A tangled web we weave. (please let things go back to normal)

If they don't- I'm out.

The one time a girl needs her best friend, she's fallen into the easy life- the believe everyone else life. I'm sorry, Em. You deserve better.

"Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone. Don't you think I was too young to be messed with? The girl in the dress cried the whole way home"

That text blew me away- I never liked you. YOu were never enough. You were never the one.

(as if I needed to see it in writing to make my gut feeling real- as if it wasn't enough to know in my heart I couldn't go back to when i WAS enough.)

I mean, things are on their way up, right?
The worst blizzard of all time has hit central Illinois. No work today. No work tomorrow.

Concentrating on real things.
Reading.

(My heart is missing. There's a hole. Empty.)

Ana.

on building a better me for all the wrong reasons.

2010-12-10T00:01:00.002-06:00

You came in with the quickness.
Your mission was confusing & conflicting.
Constructing & deconstructing simultaneously isn't as hard as it seems.
(where one thingends another must begin?)

shooting stars, windfarms, etc.
3 stoplights seem eternal.

My spine hurts. At least I have one these days.

Can't sleep, can't breathe correctly. Up in 7 or so hours for my real job.

Can I make money writing? Can I build myself up this way? Can I mend things?

Who can? He heals me.

I can't say anything I haven't said already. Words have been used too much.

Love, Ana.

be kind, please let me rewind.

2010-12-08T00:18:00.002-06:00

How perfect that the last post took place just before one of the most monumental weekends of my life.

I got a second tattoo on April 9, 2010.
Someone special was in town that weekend. He met my family and made me believe in things like true love again.

Since then, I've learned otherwise.
I've got a hold on new things nowadays. My lease is up in 2 months. Where should I be next?Who's calling me where?

Oh. I only like far things now. I only like things I can't get attached to. I'm working on it. What am I supposed to be working on?
Work. Work. Work.
I have no voice. My job is talk at people.

I've got a favorite things. I've got a lot of them. I was a homewrecker. It didn't matter in the long run. (the goodthings never will)

How can I read other words? Nothing can make sense like that.

A little much tonight.

Listening to: (only) Bad City. Regina Spektor. Taylor Swift. Lil Wayne. (deafening silence.)

All we need is to be patient and be kind. (Thanks, Camille)

Ana.

all i can say

2010-04-08T23:26:00.002-05:00

I'm getting judged in the morning.

A Fine Frenzy.

Oh, don't you worry. I haven't forgotten you. I'm still hiding behind depth. Behind stark reality.

I've got a day and a reason and absence makes the heart grow fonder and all of that.

I've been thinking too much and too clearly. And I'm not even mad. And that's a rare, beautiful thing.

You've got a plan. I've got my dreams.

We'll make it.

It's really time to quit messing around. Time to get serious.

School next semester.

Florida in 1.5 years. Please say you'll make that move with me.

I'm over run with silly things.

It's your life.

My baby sister turns 18 tomorrow. How does THAT even happen? Pretty sure yesterday we were playing house in a fort that our mom built us.

Actually, that probably was yesterday.

Tell me that this is not the way.

I'll believe you.

God has too big of a plan for me to be worried anymore.

Love, Ana.

do you get the picture? I am of the dangerous kind.

2010-04-03T21:13:00.003-05:00

That party last night was awfully crazy, I wish we'd have taped it.

If I could just replay in a loop everything you said last night, maybe it'd break down the bricks.

Or at least clear the fog for a glimpse at a clear sky.

I found a couple new ways to look at things. I'm glad for that.

I've procured a pair of purple and white Toms, from my best friend Danah.

Don't hold onto this for too long- someone might find it.

Maybe someday, I'll look back and this will be a dream. Or at least better than it seems presently. I just have to believe in that.

My tax refund is over 700$. Thank you Lord.

This is me spelling it out for you.

Whether or not I wanted to, it had to happen.

Boldness was on my side last night.

I'm getting the hang of this. I'll fall quickly this time, I'll take my chances this time. I'll let it happen this time.

I'm covering this up.

Now I see who you are.

I'm hoping for a clear sign.

I can't wait for April 18th.

Love, Ana.

I fell behind.

2010-03-21T19:54:00.002-05:00

I'm truly sorry for the delay.

Eight months later and a lot has changed.

I've been through two apartments.

Got a car.

Been through three jobs.

I keep coming up with the craziest schemes. I keep disregarding the past. I keep growing up and moving on and leaving things behind. I can't say I'm upset.

I'm volatile.

I went to a protest. And took black and white photographs of old people against the government controlling their health care.

I took photographs of children, there against their will.

I am wondering currently. Where could Heaven be? Certainly not on Earth. Not with the current tumult we're all feeling.

And where is Hell? Certainly closer than we're all thinking.

Both are equal distances, I think. They're balancing each other out; it could be a lot worse, you know.

I think I'm going to Seattle next month.

For a short repose.

To clear my head. The beginning of April will hold a lot of good things.

It's like, a year later. The storm's clearing. And even if things aren't as good as I believe they could be, I'm learning. I'm a grown girl now.

I promise to keep writing.

I've been listening to: Tiesto, Cold War Kids, Good Old War, Be Your Own Pet, NeverShoutNever, Carter Hulsey, Kim Gnagey, etc.

love, Arianna.

a list of things i love.

2009-07-07T21:40:00.002-05:00

I love:
the stars
the windfarm
infinity
the idea of LA.

the idea of getting out.
my new apartment.
the bigger lights.
intrigue
scandals (not to be confused with drama.)

going to shows.
booking shows.
photography.
dreaming.
goal making.
meeting intriguing people.
100% good vibes.
brilliant conversations.
birds' songs.

the bird and the bee.
IO Echo "Doorway"
The Orphanage.
lookbook.nu
Chicago.
my best friends.
Memories.
"Ohio"
God. (who is number 1.)
my opal ring from Grandma Marshall.
my pink ring from Thomas.
Tea parties.

Writing.

I wrote a letter today. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of it. I'll let you know what happens after it gets sent.
I'm holding onto optimism
and really not looking forward to working tomorrow.

My head hurts. And my throat. I cannot be sick right now. I have too much to do, truly.

Love, Ana.

falling down.

2009-07-05T22:57:00.002-05:00

I tripped and things are starting to get interesting.

I scraped my knee and my arm and my foot and my other arm and my other knee.
Now, my outside matches my insides.

(not on purpose.)

You are so full of pride. Why! You could lose so much pain and gain so much of what you've needed with one second of humility.

Don't you know? I can only stand to wait so long.
Don't you know? That's a lie. I haven't figured out how to move on.

I truly hope your happiness is not a front.
I wish you nothing but the best.

It's just I've never felt like this. Like I'm homeless, restless.

you will know what that means. you always knew.

I hide behind depth. I hide behind intellect and a pretty face with a shining smile..
I am just like you. Struggling.

Please let me see that.

Listening to: "I need you so much closer" by Death Cab for Cutie, "Miserable at Best" by Mayday Parade, "Konstantine" by Something Corporate, The Centralia Mine Fire (I can't help it, "Ohio" had been stuck in my head for months), and "Underwater" by Tegan and Sara.
I didn't mean for that list to be so depressing.

Ana.

catching my breath.

2009-06-28T22:06:00.003-05:00

I am merely waiting to crash these days.
Is it bad to look forward to these things?

I feel like I'm floundering. Searching, hoping to land on something solid- soon.

the door is there. waiting to be opened.
I stand trying to imagine what could be on the other side.
(more afraid to jump than to fly.)

I will tell you this. Such restlessness is incredibly unnerving.
On that note:

Trips I'm planning to take this year:
1. Girl Trip. Ohio, Michigan, Indiana, Chicago, with my best friend Hollyann Sajko, in July.
2. Toronto, Ontario. Seeing people I haven't seen in far too long and meeting new friends. In August.
3. LA in December/January. To see Aly and some intriguing people.
4. Sweden in April. Zander Reunion. Tom and George Reunion in England. First trip to Europe.

I'm beginning to like this game. I'll pretend I don't care, you pretend you don't.
Just like always.

always.

Listening to: Tegan and Sara, my phone vibrate, Michael Jackson (wtf.), Camille's advice, the bird and the bee, "A Cannon" by Regina Spektor, The Final Hour, and Harp & Lyre.

Love, Ana.

intrusive.

2009-06-22T22:08:00.002-05:00

I am a broken soul. Filled with holes and insight and hope.
I am entirely too good at pretending for my own good. I can fake bravery like you would not believe. It's really only second to my pseudo-strength.
I can make nothing out of something.
I can grip the slightest hope and turn it into something
and Lord, am I holding on.

Just give me something to hold on to. I'll take it.
I'm running loose and running on E.
Escaping this town and the country has never looked so good.

I miss Ohio. I miss contentment. I miss goals and passion and living on the edge.
I miss the cures you offered. I miss the way you healed me.

My heart is full of hurt. (love?)
My head is full of questions. Answers. Risks.

I keep playing the what ifs. What if I had went with him instead of you? Or we had worked it out? Or we had never even met?

The real questions are, where to now? and how? and when? and with whom?
Are you going with me? Or am I expected to go this alone. (nothing new. most big things have been all on me.)

For now, I read my books. I remember. I sing. I try. I get by.
I hurt. I think. I love.

I search. Your face. For the answers you can't give. You won't give.
Tell me you're hurting. Or that I mattered.
Tell me your fears. I'll turn them into something beautiful.

Maybe I should move on. Chalk it up to a good learning experience.
Perhaps something better is around the corner.

I'm not ready to turn the corner yet.

Grant me patience and understanding.

Listening to: "A Cannon" by Regina Spektor, "Come When I Call" by John Mayer, "Landlocked Blues" by Bright Eyes, "Dakota" by A Rocket To The Moon, "Clark Gable" by The Postal Service, and not what others tell me.

Waiting, Ana.

no heart

2009-06-20T23:54:00.002-05:00

to write these days.

Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly happy, whole heartedly blessed.
But I can't write the words out.

I don't want to jinx anything or mess it up.

Or say too much. Or not enough.

I'm listening to: new wisdom, the bird and the bee, be your own pet, passion pit, the anytime, etc.

glowing embers.

2009-06-17T14:12:00.004-05:00

life is full of unexpected turns of fate. it's moments like these, when i wish that we were literally attached at the hip. so that you were always right beside me, to lean on & to turn to. sharing our collective sorrow & joy.

last night ana & i had a campfire. simple. necessary. wonderful. as always, watching a fire always engenders conversation - the watchful glow of the flames reveals what lies in each of our hearts.

my copy of (m)orning by mae arrived in the mail today (the ep is now available in their online store, i suggest you buy it immediately - so completely worth it!) as if by perfect chance. in this album there is a constant metaphor of fire:

"i see the truth rising up in the flames / oh it burns away at the remains / and it's strong enough to overtake the rain / bright enough to see the light of day." - the house that fire built

fuel for though...maybe it's overly poetic, but i would like to think my friendship with ana holds a power along the lines of those lyrics. until last night, i never realized that we shed light on each other, reavealing so much of what the other person is hoping to express even when words fail. people who observe me when i am with her seem to understand me better than those who meet me on their own terms. i truly believe it is because she brings out the best in me for others to see. ana always claims that i give her too much, but she has done me a whole world of good.

i've been somewhat adopted into her life and i could be more grateful.

also, we have officially began planning the best of birthdays to grace the bloomington area. be ready.

right now i am listening to: mae, never shout never, the hush sound, and pedro the lion.

love, holly

A turn of events.

2009-06-15T23:44:00.002-05:00

Promising.

A Chronical:
On Saturday, I hung out with Cole Blotcky, Andy Cox, Camille Dobbins, etc.
Was a good night.

Talked to Heath Davis for quite some time.

Went to bed at 2 45 am.
Woke up at 5 02 AM.
Went downstairs to get a glass of water.
And, I blacked out. Fainted. Swooned, even.

Ended up smashing my face on the concrete tile floor of our new kitchen.

Should've had a broken nose, chipped teeth, broken cheekbones. But the good Lord granted me just a ripped open chin.

No stitches. Just taped across. I'll be fine.

I'm so sore and tired.

But I never would've had a night like last night with out the fainting extravaganza.

It set me up for a whole different kind of falling.
I'm becoming fearless again. Sure. I'm becoming solid and whole.

My best friend Holly is the most amazing girl I know. You guys see how eloquent and thoughtful she is. I am completely blessed by the people surrounding me.

Regardless. My views are changing. I'm moving into something I really like.
Metamorphosis. Thank you.

I've been reading some Andy Warhol and of course Truman. (one true love.)

I've got my eyes on smiling.

Listen to: "Landlocked Blues" by Bright Eyes, "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" by Brand New, "By Your Side" by CocoRosie.

Love, Ana.

reasonable doubt.

2009-06-13T11:16:00.004-05:00

i went walking in the rain last night, thinking the cold water would wash away the misery of the past. my legs belonged to some stranger, i followed the phantom footfalls, blindly trusting. when i finally looked up, i was shocked to see the familiar red door of a home that had never belonged to me, but where so much of my failed future had taken root. i suppose it was bound to catch up with me eventually, the denial, the pain. i thought it was all behind me, that the frayed edges of this hole in my heart were starting to weave themselves back together...the moment i turned the corner away from that street where so many memories have found a home i finally unraveled. the air felt like water in my lungs and any strength i had been holding onto defiantly left me in a vapor.

i so wish that i could have fallen to the soft earth and forget the world as the downfall dragged me away like leaves to the gutter.

there is no reason to the madness telling me that i am running out of time, but every passing moment seems to leave the hands on the clock pointing towards inevitability. why is time weighing so heavily upon me, throwing into contrast all the broken dreams and subduing realities?

i truly believe last night, was the last time i cry over the path my life would have taken if things had not gone awry. obviously, that life was never mine to mourn as a loss - if it was meant to be, it would have happened.

i pray for patience and trust to hope some new found strength will come to me either through some providential grace or an eager and willing heart. either way, i know i could use some help.

love, hollyann

how to hope.

2009-06-12T23:57:00.000-05:00

Because there is always a light to even the darkest of situations and crises; one must keep in their hearts the desire to hope.

I have found that most hope is entirely unfounded. And, daring to hope is taking a giant chance.

The proverbial jumping off is not what's scary.
Although, it's often what stops me.

I love to dream, to ponder the "what ifs", the maybes. And those chances make it worth the aching that could come as a result.

Thinking back on you and I, I am forced to recollect the mistakes we've both made. I should have been stronger in myself- I learned to listen to my heart from this.

My hope lives thrives off the fact that my heart still leaps.

Hope is possible in all things. Not ideal, but always plausible.

My heart is honestly filled with hope and optimism.

Goals=attractive.

It's enough to make me scream.

on killing two birds with one stone.

2009-06-12T00:58:00.000-05:00

"When they asked me what I wanted to be I said I didn’t know.
"Oh, sure you know," the photographer said.
"She wants," said Jay Cee wittily, "to be everything."
-Sylvia Plath.

I am wrought with indecision and frustration. I work myself into these frenzied periods of self doubt and incomparable determination. I feel the need to prove myself, to make myself deserving of your time.
Of course, I am over analyzing. That much I'm sure of.

Why can't I be casual? I read far too much into too many things.

I slip and stumble blindly towards what could be a lost cause. I wouldn't be able to look at myself if I didn't take the chance though.

I'm concentrating on discerning what I can believe and what I should move away from. I need to make wise decisions. It is crunch time, after all.

And why I knew we connected, I don't know what it means. And after all this time, I'm beginning to doubt that my trust has ever been well placed.

(I have you to thank for that.)

Oh, to go back before our conversation was forced and awkward.

I have such an easy way about me. I'm trying not to force anything these days. I can tell I've changed- something just feels different. I'm not sure what it is.

If you've known me for any sort of time, and can help me figure this out, please, by all means. Chime in.

Love IS blind. Blind to faults and hurt and what's right.
I love being blinded by love. The light that comes from the loss of that love is consuming.

I do deserve better.

I'm listening to: The Bird and The Bee ( F*cking Girlfriend), John Mayer (City Love, Come When I Call), The Cab ( I'll Run), Be Your Own Pet (Love Yr Shotgun), Tyler James (Stay Humble-www.tylerjames.com), reason & doubt.

Love, Ana.

caged wisdom.

2009-06-11T00:36:00.002-05:00

these words i have written are for my dearest friend and all who need encouragement.

"i know it is easy to despair, my little bird, in our prison.
you and i are weary hearts, alike; yearning the freedom to fly.
too eagerly we battle the twisted metal, not seeing the danger outside.

the glimmer of hope becomes you as escape becomes reality.
rushing into the unfamiliar openness you test your new found grace,
only to find your wings not ready to carry the weight of your dreams.

should the air again grow thick with sorrow and gravity pull you to harm,
i will wrap you in my love, remove the burden of your broken wings,
allowing you to rest on mine as we soar on the winds of tomorrow."

songbirds are incurably philharmonic, let's carry their encouraging melodies in our hearts. ♥

i am going to train for a marathon starting tomorrow, or the day after. wish me luck.

tonight i am finishing a book and tomorrow i will start reading j.d. salinger for the thousandth time. you should too.

i am listening to: bon iver, the hush sound, and carter hulsey.

love, hollyann

fearless.

2009-06-09T22:48:00.001-05:00

I am. I face new obstacles basically daily, with my head held high and my eyes straight ahead.

I look fear in the eye, and I can't take no for an answer. I refuse to be held to any sort of standard or stereotype.

I wish I was the type who lived with no regrets, but the truth is, I have a lot, and I'm facing one of the biggest ones tomorrow.

I hate when people try to be deep and misleading. I feel like I do that sometimes.

Home is becoming less a place and more a feeling.
A true comfort I haven't experienced with many.

I am truly a thinker. Less of a do-er. It takes a lot for me to make the first move and even more for me to trust my feelings.

I never want to be someone who is led by emotions only; I want conscious thought and reasoning, too.

I'm feeling so weak, downtrodden. I want to be strong again. I'm working on building myself back up and getting back to how I was. I want to be filled with love and fill others with the same love.

I'm not looking for a relationship, I can't do anything serious right now. My hands are tied, and I want so badly to do things right.
I want to get to know you.

I guess I needed to clear my head before I could sleep. I needed to have a clear thought process.

To have fallen from such optimism is so overwhelming.

Love, Ana.

keeping promises.

2009-06-09T20:36:00.000-05:00

i've been putting this off for far too long, but an introduction is due.

i'm a nineteen-year-old so-called reject and self-proclaimed individualist born and raised in the midwest. you don't know it yet, but i am the most loyal friend you can ask for. i will love you whole-heartedly and accept you without question, because that is just who i am. ask ana, she'll tell you.

one day i hope to start my own record label. for now, i am a promoter and musician. i'm always looking for inspiration, so send your musical suggestions my way. if all else fails, plan b is to run some hopeless record store like "high fidelity" or simply bake cakes to pay the bills (it could happen).

i live like a character in one of the bohemian books i love so much. i'm a starving artist, tea enthusiast, and aspiring world traveler. i am almost always broke, buying vintage clothes i can't afford and books & albums to satiate my thirst for more.

i just bought the book "sleeveface" by carl morris & john rostron. i'm pretty thrilled.

go read ogden nash's "the zoo," trust me.

i'm entirely restless, but anticipating what the future holds - for who and what awaits me.

i am slowly learning i am a much stronger person than i could have ever imagined & am thankful for all the love that surrounds me.

right now i'm listening to: conor oberst and the mystic valley band, sufjan stevens, company of thieves, jack's mannequin, and cold war kids.

ps - i don't believe in capitalizing letters, pretty much ever.

love, hollyann

symbolism.

2009-06-09T00:48:00.000-05:00

For those of you who know me, this will register with you.

Windmill 007 has been off for a week.
So ironic. So iconic.
That windmill had been through a lot with me.

(Casey Lovell, you're so talented.)

She's seen my biggest decisions, my worst fears, true love, and new relationships.

I've felt infinite.
I've felt small.
I've felt like I could change the world, and the world could change me for the better.

For the first time in ages, I've felt like I am enough.
I am content with the person I'm becoming. And forgiving for the person I was.

I am all over the map. I like it that way.

My friends are honestly the most outstanding examples of compassion and love that I can give.

You've all done your part in helping me through so much.

You've seen me at my worst, and slowly, my best.

I am playing hard to get.

I'm listening to Anna Nalick, Shania Twain, Be Your Own Pet, Envy On The Coast, and A Kidnap in Color

Intense.

2009-06-08T18:28:00.000-05:00

Made a new goal today with Camille Dobbins- we're going to wake up early daily and bike ride.

While on our ride this evening, we went to Goodwill. We had just left our bikes out back, not really thinking too much of it. I mean, the people working there saw us get off our bikes and leave them there.
Camille found some dresses and shirts and an outstanding pair of white shorts; we were in there for like, 30 or so minutes.
We walked out just in time to see these people purchasing OUR bikes.

We were so flustered. We had to go back in there and explain to these tiny kids that those were our bikes and we had rode them there, so we'd be needing them back.

We definitely got stared down for like, 10 minutes, while these Goodwill workers refunded their money and gave us back our bikes.
I felt so sad. I wanted to just give my bike to them. I should have. But it's a far walk home and we were already late for dinner.

The rest of the day was mostly uneventful. Watched "The Man in the Moon" with my mom and Camille.

Today gave me reason to think. Last night's conversations are very worrisome.
My mind is playing tricks and I'm over-analyzing.
It's so much more intriguing to think of the things that COULD be instead of the things that probably are.

That being said, "Mindy's Secret Song" by playradioplay has been on repeat most of today.

I wrote a secret song about a secret someone.

I'm listening to playradioplay, say anything, be your own pet, "Mariana" by Carter Hulsey, Kate Nash, and things that make my heart skip beats.

love, Ana.

Weekend Warrior.

2009-06-07T22:42:00.000-05:00

What a troubling past few days.
Full of ups and downs and misconceptions.

Last night was a really great time.
Saw miss Christina Jackson and Aly Luthi.
As well as some others I haven't seen in far too long.

The biggest surprise of the night was a certain someone from Chicago showing up unexpectedly. It made my day to see Davey Carlson.

Spent the night at Kara Rhoad's home, with Select Start and Thrash Unreal.
I don't think I've laughed that hard in ages. Thank you, language barriers and new school water dispensers.

Kar and I made cookies- chocolate chips and oatmeal too.
I didn't go to bed till 4 30, and I'm paying for it today.

I'm loving the games that I'm playing with myself right now. The thoughts and dreams are getting mixed up with reality and it's consuming.

It's storming here. The weather is perfect.

I really wish that I had answers to everything. I really wish I could tell you exactly how I felt.

Been listening to "We Get On" by Kate Nash a ton. I'm not ashamed. I love how she writes.

Today, I woke up and hung out at Kara's for a tiny while. Then, Davey and I headed into Bloomington. Took him to my favorite places, The Coffeehouse and The Garlic Press and Medici's.
(He makes me so flustered, even though we're friends. People like him are hard to come by.)

Listening to Shania Twain, Kate Nash, Charlotte Sometimes, Thrash Unreal, and soft thunder.

love, Ana.

Official.

2009-06-05T22:25:00.000-05:00

I have no idea where my life is taking me right now.
I went the beach today, with Camille. It was a good time.

Wednesday night was the greatest night in a long time. I finally feel like I know what's going on. Even though it hurts to know where things stand, at least it's clear to me now.

I saw Houston Calls. I've been listening to them since, I don't know, the 8th grade. They were such great guys, so nice and appreciative.

Also, Cole Blotcky- You make me laugh.

Hanging out with the people that know me best is really for the best right now. I saw all of my best friends this week, for the most part. And I'm feeling so good.

The sun truly helps me. Winter makes me feel terrible, destitute.
I just can't help feeling optimistic during the summer months.

I got my hair cut!
It's shorter. But I love it. Thanks, Amelia Hamilton.

Oh, I'm not sure about this "show" situation tomorrow. I feel like it'd be putting myself in such an awkward situation. I really want to see the people that will be there ( most of them. ) But not sure if it's completely worth it.

I'm so glad to have rekindled so many friendships. I'm so glad I didn't lose you forever. I truly hated the idea of that. And I'm loving the idea of you.

The city's still calling out so strongly. Why? Is it the people or the lights that draw me in? Perhaps the idea of truly escaping this town for a few days.

My heart feels strong.

I'm listening to- Houston Calls, some 70s Fusion (thanks, Jared Park), Kate Nash, Keith Urban, MSNBC, my mom, A Kidnap In Color, Motion City Soundtrack, Asteria, and old jazz.

Sincerely, Ana.

at the end of the day

2009-06-02T23:49:00.000-05:00

It's really about whether or not you can face looking yourself in the eye.
You have to stand by the decisions you make, and take responsibility for the consequences of those actions.

I planted a garden with my mom the other day. I love gardening, so much.
We planted purple daisies and some greens and ivy.

I love watching things grow, and people.

Permanence is horrifying right now. The idea of this situation being something unresolvable scares the hell out of me. Regardless of what happens, it will be for the best.

I need a JOB.
I have an interview at Sam's Club. Are you kidding me??

This week is so busy...
Show tomorrow night, I believe.... Houston Calls @ Bloomington.
Job interview Thursday/Andy Breeze- seeing UP!

Haircut with Amelia/ice cream with Ryan on Friday
Show Saturday in Metamora.

I am getting up early to ride my bike tomorrow. I think that will be good for me. Allow me to clear my head and expand my lungs.

Another thing to smile about... Mikeman.
He can talk to shoes. It's pretty sweet.

I've been listening to Harp & Lyre, The Centralia Mine Fire, Kanye West, Mayday Parade, Playradioplay, and my own personal heart and conscience.
The mix of these is impeccable.

"Clocks are shackles on the feet of mankind" O. Henry.

Love, Ana.

important people.

2009-06-02T00:32:00.000-05:00

They're always whispering
And all of us are yelling too loudly to hear.

Shh.

I have the best sister in the world. We had great times in downtown Normal today, at the Coffeehouse and The Garlic Press and Babbitt's Books.
Then later at Buffalo Wild Wings.

Even though I totally engorged myself on cheesecake and feel like death now.
Too much of a good thing is never okay.

We had a long talk about relationships and God and growing up.
I'm remembering who I am very clearly now. I had moved so far away from the girl I used to be... I missed her.

I am quickly coming to love the responsibility I'm facing, although greatly looking forward to the day I can look back on these times and laugh.
This all seems so very new and raw.

I'm feeling completely vulnerable, lately.

On a high note, I got invited to join Lookbook. YES. Thanks, Aaron.

I have word vomit terminally. I constantly say everything I'm thinking. Or what I think I should say. It's like, no filter, but worse.

"So if you want to be with me, with these things, there's no telling. We just have to wait and see. But I'd rather be working for a paycheck than waiting to win the lottery. Besides, maybe this time it's different. I mean, I really think you like me."
"The First Day of my Life" by Bright Eyes.


Also www.altf.com

Love it. When/If I get married, I'd love for him to do my pictures.

Today, all I've listened to is My Favorite Highway, Brighten, PlayRadioPlay, Say Anything, and some You Me And Everyone We Know.

Love, Ana.

we get on.

2009-05-31T09:59:00.000-05:00

Today, I'm going to Church with my mom and step dad.

I woke up with "We Get On" by Kate Nash stuck in my head today. Figures. It's so relevant at the minute.

Okay so, Jon and Kate Plus 8- those catastrophes make me sad. I mean, they have 8 kids. I'd adopt at least one of them in the event of a divorce.
Speaking from a divorced kid's perspective- it sucks to be in that situation.
Growing up in courtrooms and in the midst of custody battles is not ideal, in the least.

Not saying I'm bitter- it truly was for the best.

My head is full of thoughts already this morning, each one clamoring for attention; when I'm so starved for YOUR attention it doesn't make sense.

Last night was fun, minus one detail.

I have been much more in tune with myself, my feelings, my "vibes". I feel like I can definitely read situations better. Last night at Moraine View with Holly was so tense and oppressive, I couldn't even handle it. I couldn't stand it. I was nauseous and pressure filled. It was so overwhelming. Such an evil feeling.

I've become obsessed with this poem "I carry your heart" by ee cummings. I urge you to check it out.

My heart hurts whenever I talk to you. It might explode when I see you today. I'm prepared for that possibility.

Okay. I have to get dressed now.
Wearing probably jeans and a tee. Don't worry, my Church is very casual.

Listen to- The Centralia Mine Fire, Death Cab For Cutie, All Time Low, Cute Is What We Aim For (old only.), Be Your Own Pet, A Kidnap In Color, and Metro Station.

I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart.
Ana Dobbins.

today!

2009-05-30T10:31:00.001-05:00

Gearing up for apartment hunting and all around good times with Miss Hollyann Sajko.
We are going to tear this town up... NO question.

Just talked to my Aunt Ginger. She makes me smile. She's truly a gem.

This city is calling my name.

Hmm. As soon as I get my new car, I'm roadtripping to Chicago to see people who make my heart jump. (You know who you are. )

Lately, I've been thinking on the future a lot. I guess that'll happen when something that was supposed to last forever crumbles.
But, I am not hopeless. NO. I'm overcoming. I'm determined.
I think next year will be such a time for growth and learning- learning about who I am and who you are and where we should go.

The sky seems to echo how I'm feeling- cloudy. Stereotype, maybe.

I hope you make your day great.
I hope you are as blessed as I am.
I can't wait to see Hollyann.

Today, I'm listening to Metro Station, Zooey Deschanel, Cocorosie, Kanye West, A Kidnap In Color, and Sincerely, The End.

I'm wearing a v neck, skinny jeans, gladiators (clear), a headband and a new view of you.

Love, Ana.

Love, Ana.

Today.

2009-05-29T19:27:00.001-05:00

First entry. It's okay though. I don't even have writer's block.
I'm 18 years young, with a fearless attitude. I book shows and love music. It's my absolute passion.

I currently am rekindling old friendships, and loving it.
Relationships? I didn't date for a long time. Then I decided it might be okay. It was for 10 months. Now we're in that awkward place that I tried so hard to avoid.

My sister is vintage; I look up to my younger sister. My mom is my hero. My dad isn't really a big part of things.

I live the rockstar lifestlye. I'm always broke. I'm currently looking to get 17 jobs and an apartment with my friend Holly.
This apartment will be home to millions of tea parties, a fireplace, high ceilings, and free of stereotypes.

Lookbook is by invitation only. I hope I get invited someday.

I love easily and find it hard to trust.

I am an open book. Ask me something. You can.

Today, I continued the job hunt. I watched the mtvU Woodies on Palladia, it was epic. I learned something new about my friend Ross. I planned out the month of June.
I'm getting a new car.

I'm getting an apartment.
I'm growing up and growing out of this place.

I want to get my half sleeve soon- A tree, with half bare and half full bloom, with a heart on the trunk and a tire swing. Sexy.

I love you and I'm listening to Tally Hall, Kate Nash, Zooey Deschanel, Brand New, and A Kidnap In Color.

Ana D.